by AXIS of Reality
© 2010 Alex Baldwin – Features Editor
Grab you Collectors Copy NOW!
It’s that time again. When we at OXCGN use our silent, stealthy skills to scope out the competition and sneak into the nearest GAME store, slip the latest exclusive game from the *shudder* other console off the shelf, shove the cash into the shopkeeper’s hands and sprint out the door before we’re recognised.
When I had found a suitably secluded alleyway free from prying, judging eyes, I cast a glance down at the title written on the strangely alien-feeling box, so unfamiliar from the comforting heft of an Xbox 360 DVD case.
It said God of War 3.
Hurrying home with my guilty secret tucked firmly under my jacket, I threw the disc in the big black box that sits silently behind my 360 before running off to the bathroom and taking 3 showers to wash away any evidence of my escapades.
Upon walking into the TV room I was greeted by a terrifying sight, someone so pasty and white but clearly a fan of red face paint growling at me with a stare of pure evil.
After a brief moment that may or may not have involved me running screaming from the room before returning with my trusty crowbar and the hope that my extensive time with Gordon Freeman had taught me how to use it, I charged back into the room ready to flail wildly at the intruder in the hope that my girlish wails would confuse him enough that he’d leave.
It was only then that I noticed the strange text hovering next to his head using such familiar terms as ‘New Game’ and ‘Options’.
Oh, and the fact he was inside my TV. A few minutes of wondering how a scary man had gotten inside my TV and I came to the discovery that this might actually be the game.
Hesitantly I picked up the controller, wiggling my thumbs around trying to find the left-thumbstick that was sitting where my 360 controller had conditioned me to expect the d-pad.
Highlighting ‘New Game’, I paused to settle myself and repeat several times in my head ‘playing PS3 isn’t a crime’, and hit the ‘X’ button.
Suddenly I was transported into a world of chaos, of massive walking mountains and enraged gods fighting on the side of Mount Olympus on a scale I had not experienced in a game before.
It was then I noticed the crazy pasty man running, swinging and climbing around one of these ‘titans’ and a whole lot less scary now he could be crushed by the massive being he rode, which referred to him as ‘Kratos’.
After the camera finally settled a bit I nervously tilted the thumbstick and smiled in glee as he took a few steps forward. Suddenly, bunch of ugly blokes turned up and decided they weren’t as fond of bodypaint as our man Kratos and started attempting to tear his skin off to get rid of it.
Staring down at the strange geometric symbols on my controller I experimentally mashed a few in before squealing in delight as Kratos threw his blades at them before swirling them around on chains in a spinning frenzy of destruction.
The following few battles played out similarly, punctuated by the camera flying out to look at the larger battle of titans forcing their bulk up the mountain. It was now that I took a step back in awe of the incredible scale and detail, with beautiful lighting and a silky-smooth framerate.
Everything looked gorgeous, one of the most impressive games I’d seen this generation in both art and technical proficiency. Unfortunately the sheer size of everything did have some tradeoffs with some low-res textures or blocky models (particularly on some of the other characters), but it was still truly awe-inspiring to behold.
After a quick snap of my jaw shut I continued on before seamlessly transitioning into a cutscene. I was sitting back, taking a breather before something strange happened. One of those weird shapes I’d seen on the controller buttons appeared on the screen. I took a wild stab at the button before lo-and-behold, Kratos pulled off some impressive acrobatics.
A few minutes further in while fighting a raging horse/spider/water/octopus thing the same thing happened. Confident now, I pressed the button with conviction to witness the pasty guy put those balloons he’d hidden under his skin to good use by tearing the beast apart.
The same thing happened again further on in the game with a more human character that resulted in Mr Pasty Face slowly ripping his head off in gloriously graphic slow-motion.
Startled, I quickly paused the game and stared down at the game case, looking to see if the R18+ rating had made it into Australia in the last few hours but no, this was just ‘strong violence’.
Gleefully I continued on to spot a shiny, spinning light. Wondering what it was, I walked through it to see a quick flash of ‘R1′ appear in the upper right corner of the screen before disappearing again.
I quickly stopped and walked back through it, only for the mysterious ‘R1′ to continue its absence. A few more tries and finally for some inexplicable reason it decided to show up again when I approached it from an obscure angle and reveal it was a save point! A strange little bug but nothing serious.
Thinking to myself that nothing’s perfect and continuing on my merry journey of beautifully flowing combat and fantastic art design I eventually came to a broken cutscene of sound that lost sync multiple times with the animation and occasionally characters whose lips would stop moving as they talked. I was slightly bummed by this slip in polish that was not apparent in any other part of the game.
It wasn’t long after that I was distracted by something much more interesting. In all my days of playing on 360 I had yet to experience something like this: a playable sex scene.
Just as it was getting started I noticed the camera shift away and immediately thought ‘oh well, I guess they had to’ before it slowed to a stop on a close-up of 2 topless girls watching and making out.
Wide-eyed at the developer’s bravery I almost messed up the button-matching but managed to finished with a sore hand from the rapid mashing that I’m sure the designers found quite amusing.
Oh, and I was rewarded with a fair chunk of XP. It didn’t hurt either that throughout it the 2 girls were commenting about how this was clearly for mature audiences and children should not be watching while briefly staring directly into the TV as if they knew the camera was there.
Progressing further and further on my journey and enjoying what I feel to be one of the best games of this generation, I was occasionally annoyed by the increasingly frequent puzzle sections that dramatically slowed the pace and often felt very unnecessary.
Luckily the combat kept coming thick and fast and made up for it with more skills, magic and weapons revealing themselves with good regularity and a world that sucked me in.
It was a bit over the 8 hour mark that brought it to a close, and left me with a conclusion that didn’t quite sit right compared to some of the awe-inspiring battles before it. Thankfully it didn’t take away from the experience as a whole.
After painfully unwrapping my fingers the from awkward shape of the DualShock 3 and watching the great making-of videos unlocked on the disc, I sat back and stared at the now-familiar menu of PastyFace scowling at me and meditated on what I had played.
We want one - NOW!
God Of War III Ultimate Edition - I want one & I want it NOW!
Clearly a highlight game of the generation and one that will definitely be considered alongside other gems such as Mass Effect 2 for Game of the Year, God of War 3 entertained, shocked and amazed at every turn and now challenges me to complete it at higher difficulties.
It was at that point however that there was a knock at my door, forcing a quick dash to eject the disc, throw the case under the sofa cushions, hide the PS3 and wash my hands before anyone saw any evidence.
God of War 3 will be my guilty little secret I pull out when I’ve run out of 360 games to play . . . but don’t tell anyone, will you?
NB: Check out the God Of War III Collectors Edition . . .
Would we steal this title for the 360?
Steal It? YES!
© 2010 Alex Baldwin – Features Editor
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Filed under: 1st Party Titles, Console gaming, Game Impressions, Gaming Videos, PS3 Reviews, Xbox 360 News Tagged: | "Mass Effect 2", "Steal it For 360", 360, DualShock 3, Game Of The Year, Game of the Year 2010, God Of War 3, God Of War Collectors Editions, God Of War Exclusive, God of War III, God Of War PS3 bundle, God Of War Reviews, gordon freeman, Kratos, Kratos God Of War, Mount Olympus, PS3, PS3 exclusive, R18+ rating, Xbox 360
You seem so much like a fanboy, and also, you seem very uneducated… Strange symbols? If you don’t know what a triangle, square, circle, or an X is, then you need to go back to school and pay attention!
Yoou do know what satire is . . .don’t you . . . obviously it’s lost on you. He’s saying that to emphasise the lunacy of some fanboys out there . . ..it’s like saying some Ford fan gets into a Holden and wonders where all the switches have gone and their ‘usual’ features . .get it . . ?
Ok alright yeah, I appolagize.
The thing that really irks me about this game?
The first scene could have and should have been the last lol…
It was quite possibly one of the most impressive things I have seen in gaming so far, only one other thing comes to mind right now that beats it… Crysis Ultra Real Physics mod in slow-mo
And considering that is the comparison, it is by no means a slight on GOW3′s part. Well done Sony/Santa Monica… care to tell the rest of us how you actually did this?
This is the biggest crap I ever read I have both xbox 360 and a ps3 I loved my Mass Effect best game I played in a long time, GOW 3 took that crown I not once had a problem saving or problems with video coming of sinc I think you just needed something to complain not to make seen so perfect and yes you can stop combo just hit the left stick to doge and he will stop fanboy ranting so tipical.
Nothing I’ve played this year is better than Mass Effect 2 to this point. God of War III is a fantastic technical achievement no doubt, but it’s not touching ME2. Red dead redemption does look fantastic, we shall see.
4 things that are absolutely driving me insane with this game, and stop it from being the best game ever released!
1: the controls.
normally in most games like darksiders, bayonetta, dantes inferno, ninja gaiden, devil may cry and such.
if you start a combo and mid combo a enemy attacks you, your able to stop the combo and doge or block.
but GOW?
oh, no no no!!!!!!!
you started the combo so now you have to suffer the consequences.
now this is no big deal on easy but go upto chaos and i guarantee you your controller will be through your TV in a matter of seconds of the hades boss fight!
i have lost count the amount of times i have died because i started a combo when i should of not so i end up getting pounded and loosing my health, remember on chaos you only need to get hit 3 times to be killed.
2: the checkpoints.
normally in games like GOW boss battles have multiple stages like GOW3 but every stage there is a checkpoint.
once you successfully complete the QTE to end the first sequence boom you get a checkpoint.
GOW3?
oh, no no no!!!!!!! thats too easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOW3 in most of the boss battles there are no checkpoints.
like hades, take all of his health off once, twice and 90% of it the third time and START ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!
as if being hit 3 times and being dead was not hard enough, now i have to worry about having to do it all over again!
3: the camera.
i have lost count the amount of times i have died because of the god dam stupid camera.
SOny SA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE!!!!!!!! GIVE US CONTROL OF THE GOD DAM CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
like again in the hades boss fight i roll away from his attack and am now behind him but can not see myself because the camera is still where it was when i was in front of me.
last time i checked hades is not invisible!
not to mention since its so freaking far away its impossible to see where you are.
i jump off a platform thinking im at the edge of it when im actually in the middle of it, than miss my jump because i jumped too early!
4: the pacing.
GOW3 starts out as a holy &^%$#@# &^%$! moment, it absolutely blew me away it was incredible!
i was expecting the game to be more like that, every hour or so have something pop out and make me paper my pants again.
but sadly, it did not do that, its just stale and plain in comparison to the beginning.
feels like they went from the speed of light to the speed of a suzuki swift
anyway, i swear to god im cursed i was so angry yesterday, in fact i have never been so pissed in my life!
i entered the IGN media night comp because i so wanted to meet the devs and i actually won IGN sent me a email with the addy on wednesday.
i was so excited i have never won anything in my entire life, and i so badly wanted to meet the developers of GOW3 i was like seriously i can not explain how excited i was.
than i walk into TAFE thursday morning and find out we have a surprise test starting at 4 and finishing at 7 and we were locked in the room during that time.
so thank you tafe thanks to you i missed out on the biggest opportunity of my life!
now is that a kick in the balls, or is that a kick in the balls?
what they say is true, life is a bitch!
Thanks for the comments!
After seeing my article on N4G and the comments there, I’m not sure many people are quite ‘getting’ the angle.
So here it is:
I’m a gamer. I own a 360, PS3, Wii, DS, PSP, PC and iPod Touch. I love them all. I’m not a fanboy in any sense of the word, but I choose to write for OXCGN because I respect the team here for being true gamers and not fanboys.
After reading so many comments and forums across the internet accusing reviews of bias or being paid off by Microsoft / Sony / Nintendo / Leprechauns / whatever I thought I’d approach this review as a parody, a satirical look at what people ‘expect’ a 360 site to write about a ps3-exclusive.
Basically, hoping to show people how ridiculous many fanboys look.
I’m afraid I can’t help anyone who had the joke lost on them, but I play all my consoles and will buy a great game no matter which it’s released on.
I hope the message of what a fantastic game God of War 3 is still got through, and thanks for your comments and views.
I am a PS3 Owner ! And I often come here to see article on Xbox Exclusive.
am I a traitor? no I don’t have enought monney to get the both console, but men your article made me laught a lot thank you for your article it is really funny I may try to translate it further juste for my people to have a good laught as well !
Good luck
lol you talk like you have commited a sin by touching Ps3, how lame man, so you are only supposed to buy one console? I dont see any ps3 sites saying this about the 360 do they?
you guys are the true fanboys. but good review ayways.
Do you know the meaning of ‘satire’ mate – I don’t think you do, google it.
i dont know how people Couldn’t see your obvious sarcasm, or “satire” as you like to say it lol. But great article, good read. GOTY contender for sure.
dude get a sense of humor jesus christ!
cant say anything without being taken seriously these days!
Can’t say I really noticed any low res textures really, im sure they are there, but only if your looking hard. Didn’t notice the lip syncing issues either.
Best PS3 game to date imo.
The strange animation-stuttering and lip syncing issue only happened in one cutscene which makes me wonder if it was a random-chance bug that may not appear for all people.
Anyone else had it happen? It was about mid-way through the game.
I played the game 3 times, and once again half way through to finish up the remaining trophies, and i never once saw the sound/lip sync bug you speak of, this was most likely a one chance deal. This reminds me of a time i was telling a customer (i used to work at a game store) about how amazing Heavenly Sword was, and how the lip syncing was great (this was when the game had just released) and while showing the guy, we ran into a lip sync bug >< lol, he bought it regardless lol.
hehehe, it never fails, does it . justwhen you say everything is fine, bingo . . . ooppsssyyyyyyyy.
But thanks for seeing what the article is about, and what the whole Steal It For The 360 is based on.
We know that the developers are not going to ‘make it for the 360″ – well, not just yet – yes, that’s also a jk – so cheers, and thanks for dropping by, most welcome anytime.
Cmon man this is the 4th install of the game!!!!, do your self a favor and also get the gow collection, so you can complete the experience, it doesnt matter the damn console its all in the design studios, I have the ps3 but Im sweating for the mass effect saga, cheers!!!!!!!!!!!
i know its supposed to be funny, but seriously…. “the from awkward shape of the DualShock 3″
the dualshock have the same shape since 1994….
if it feel weird for you, you must be like what? ..8 yrs old?
Too many “washing hands, taking showers” jokes man, just one would have been ok.
Truly enjoyed your writing and your article. Glad to see a fanboy can show his true colors as a gamer.
This was a great “review” and being more of a Sony fan than a M$ fan, I was glad to see that even an Xbot can admit to God of War III being an amazing experience. Well done.
Also, while I enjoyed Mass Effect 2 a great deal, I definitely think that almost nothing this year has topped and will top God of War III. I am still waiting on Red Dead Redemption, Halo: Reach, Gran Turismo 5, etc., but I doubt that anything will have as much polish as GoWIII.
now im not a racing fan, but GT5 will probably have the most polish of any game ever. Its been in development for more then 5 years, ive seen it up close and personal, and no not the demo, that was shit compared to the real game. Its going to look AMAZING as far as graphics go. I almost wish i was into racing games so i didnt have to miss such graphical beauty. But dont get me wrong, GoW3 was a graphical powerhouse. And i absolutly loved it.
i dunno i was really disappointed by GOW3.
id say heavy rain is still the best game released this year, no scratch that best game ever released!
if i could only play one game for the rest of my life its heavy rain!
i have infinite respect for quantic dream and david cage they pulled off the impossible!